This is a note you'll see recurring here. But the thing I want to know is when will it happen. When will R start feeling things? You know. Testosterone-related things. When we went for our first injection, two weeks ago (feels like a lot longer), the nurse, when I asked specifically what changes will I notice, said in a charmingly thick accent, "He will get horny." She said it shyly, knowing that the term "horny" was far superior to its more clinical cousin, "aroused"and yet, somehow a strangely juvenile word to use. Horny is just a word I put away, for the most part, at adolescence. It's not that I don't get horny. In fact, one of the side effects of gender
dysphoria for R has been his disconnection with sex. So he's already more libidinous. So that's great. But he's still the old person I fell in love with. I've been reading other blogs that talk about some of the changes that they didn't prepare for—body smell, hair—you know, stuff that biologically makes a man a man. Will I be OK with it? I'm trying to remain open to all of it. Yes, I love R for who he is, but attraction is also important. So I'm trying to stay true to both of us. frankly, I'm excited by the changes to come.
What I can't yet get over is the sadness of losing the woman I've known. Even though she never, ever met the stereotype of "woman," that was/is what has been so great about her. And, she's physically lovely, or perhaps it's just my perception because I care for her so much. I hope that that caring will lead to a different sense of lovliness, this time bound up with her new-found happiness.
ReplyDelete7 1/2 years on T and still experiencing "changes." Took 2 years before being read as male 100%. Transition is 100% individual process of external AND internal shifts/changes.
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