Passing

I'm starting to call R by his male pronoun. But he still passes as a woman. I mean, he really is a woman still, physically. And appearance. And it's confusing. I told him he needs to start shaving, even if he has no facial hair. Because men have no peach fuzz. And maybe he needs to force his voice to go deeper. But this is all for me, to be honest. Because it feels weird to be calling him a him when he's looking female. I hate this no man's land (um pun not intended) of being right in the middle of things. He's not really a girl, but he's not really a boy either. But I also realize this is a short term problem. Soon enough he will grow a beard, he will have his breasts, small though they are, removed. He will be a man. It is decidedly NOT like being gay. When you're gay, you have to come out all the time, especially if you don't look particularly queer (me). And you deal with reactions as they happen. Right? And these days no one cares. It's like the whole country has become cool. Nobody frankly gives a shit anymore if you're gay or straight. And trans? It's in a whole different category. It gets lumped in with gay, but it isn't really gay. But it belongs there. And at the same time, FTMs pass. At some point they grow beards and their voices deepen and no one looks at them twice. So one day R won't have to come out. I look forward to that day. And at the same time, it will be weird and awkward and interesting. (Written a few weeks ago.)

Photo by Mike Slichenmyer courtesy of Flickr