Last week, I had trouble with the testosterone injection. It hurt R and didn't go in right, so I told him I wanted to go back to the clinic to get retrained. For now, I'm leaving out the clinic name and location (for the meantime I still need to protect our identities). But you know who you are. R was reluctant because he thought I was doing fine. But hell, if this is an injection he's going to need every week for the rest of his life, I figured it wouldn't hurt to get it right. He agreed. So the person who gave us instructions is a wonderful woman I will only call A right now. She wouldn't mind me publicizing her name but (see above). She's a beautiful woman, with perfect skin, beautiful silky hair and a gracious, wide smile (don't worry; I don't have a crush!) So when I first met her, it took me a bit to realize that she, too, was transgender. And that just made me feel relieved. You know. She understood. She's so gentle and patient, repeating instructions, not laughing (when she really should have) when I stupidly gave myself a needle stick, and guiding us every step of the way. But my favorite instruction: before I actually give the injection, A tells me, "Now, tell him you love him." I do. Happily. Then she tells me after to kiss him. "Lots of kisses." And I do.
Ima, I really appreciate your genuine expression of who you are and how you are feeling in-the-moment. It is challenging, it is exhilarating, it is hard, it is the most real you can be, because IT IS THE TRUTH.
ReplyDeleteAll my friends who have walked your path say that the best thing you can do is stay true to yourself. When you are scared, be scared. When you are mad, be mad. When you are disappointed, be disappointed. When you are in love, be in love. When you feel understanding, be supportive. But keep speaking your truth. Don't let yourself get lost in R's process. You are equally important in this work, particularly because our world doesn't know yet how to support trans partners.
If you ever want to talk, call me.
Hugs,
Heidi