Sunday, February 17, 2013

Yes, I suppose I'm a failed lesbian

Photo via Flickr by by joshbousel
So now that we're more out, when I tell most friends—gay and straight—they inevitably ask me one important, compelling question: will you still be a lesbian? I laugh because I'm asked it so much and it's so obvious and because, well, I don't have an answer. have no idea. R tells me yes, I will still be a lesbian. I tell him that who cares? I've never been a particularly good lesbian. I mean, I've always insisted I was bisexual, even if it's true that I haven't been in a relationship with a man since college and even then, I knew I would prefer to be with a woman. He keeps saying, but I'm a transman. I keep saying, transman or bio-born man, you're still a man. You'll look like a man. You'll act like a man. In fact, you already act like man. You are a man. Right? So if I'm with a man and I'm a woman, I guess that makes me, like, straight or at least a failed lesbian. Yup. D'ja hear about the lesbian who finally found the woman of her dreams and it turned out she was a man? OK, it's not funny without some politically incorrect reference, but you get the point.

So on a serious note, does it matter? I keep telling myself that at this stage in my life, who really cares what people think? Seriously, I've never been one of those women who completely identifies with being a lesbian. Don't get me wrong. I'm out and I know that's how the world labels me. But internally, I've always just felt like me. My friends come in every flavor and I like it like that. So far, no one in my life has said or even hinted at cutting me off. It would surprise me if they did. That did, incidentally, happen when I came out as gay. But I was much younger and it was a totally different era.

Now I joke that the world will see me as just another boring straight person. Sigh. It will probably be weird when we start passing.  When we hold hands publicly, which we do now, nobody will look at us twice. Of course, they don't really do that now. But that's because we live in a gay friendly place where most people really don't care.

But I can't wait for those heterosexual privileges to reign down on me. Where do I pick up the card? I know you get a toaster for being a lesbian. What do you get for being straight?


  1. What you get for being straight (if you choose to accept it):

    Thank you for this post. I've been wondering about this too -- not about whether you will still be a lesbian, because I don't think anyone gets to decide that but you, but I've been wondering how you feel about the fact that people are going to assume you're straight. People who don't know Patty tend to assume I'm straight because I'm femme, and it's very annoying. And now I tell people I'm getting married, and they say congratulations, and part of me always wants to say "You know I'm getting married to a chick, right?" But I don't.

  2. It's nice to read another partner of FTM's thoughts and what you're going through. It was a really important blog for me to find because I feel alone out here and don't know anyone personally who is a partner of a transguy too. I met my boyfriend without the label of lesbian, and even on our first meeting asked how he identified. Now that we've been dating over a year, I know this is the life I want, but sometimes find it strange to think, "I guess I am straight now". We've adopted the term of queer heterosexual and it gives me something to label myself as that still feels queer.
    I'm curious, and have only so far read through this blog here (can't wait to read the rest), and I'm so curious about the ups and downs of the T. My boyfriend has been on a very very low dose of T now for a few months. We're at that point of the beard coming in, voice changing, other fat/muscle redistribution. The parts I'm wanting to know more about are personality though. I can read everywhere online about the physical changes and then blandly about the emotional changes. Would you be comfortable sharing things like that? Even if in private message? I'd just like someone to talk to about the changes. They are not necessarily negative, but different. You always wonder how much will he really change?
    This is a hugely hard process, as you know. Again, it's very nice to read from another woman's prospective, and I thank you so much for sharing you and R's life through this blog.