Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Coming out. Again. And again. And again.

The weird thing is this: When I came out to my parents as an impossibly young 20-something I naively thought they'd have realized it. I thought they'd have guessed. And I knew it would be a big deal but I didn't know how big it would be. In addition, I never said, Oh, I'm gay or I'm a lesbian or bisexual or any words like that. I said, "I have a girlfriend." Which was true. I did. Let's just say I didn't do it well and it didn't come out. Now, I face coming out to them all over again. And guess what? I'm embarrassed to admit it. I am. But I'm scared. Scared in a little kid being rejected kind of way. But I'm not a little kid. I'm an adult. And I'm not embarrassed. I'm not ashamed. At least I tell myself this. I don't want to go into all the details in this blog, but I will say I've imagined every possible outcome. It helps me to deal with outcomes by anticipating them.

So here are some answers. No, I'm not transitioning, myself. No, it does not mean I'm straight. Yes, I still love R. Yes, I realize that the whole changing names thing is difficult. Yes, it's hard on me. And no, it doesn't mean anything will change. Well, everything will change. But this is the thing that I have to continually remind myself: R is no different. He has always been a man. He's just been a man trapped in a woman's body. If there's one thing I'm learning most during this transition, it's that he is a he. No doubt. And he has never had a moment of doubt that he's doing the right thing by making his body match his insides. That actually makes me feel good. Because I don't think I could handle it if he had doubts too. I've thought of not coming out. I mean, why do they have to know? If family circumstances were different -- if we didn't see each other very much, if I didn't have a large family and most of all, if I didn't care, I'd not say anything. But I care. I care so much. I care to the bottom of my core. I love them and I want to be close. And I pray (even though I don't pray), I pray that this does not harm our relationship. We need each other.

Photo by courtesy of hagit, http://www.flickr.com/photos/52886895@N00/ via Flickr

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