A moment of panic

Just got back from seeing R's surgeon. I feel numb. just numb.. I know S said that I shouldn't be processing this stuff with R. It's too much. It's not fair to him, to process the negative. Which is why I don't want to post everything. Which is why I waited to post this. (I wrote it a few days ago but now I'm posting because it feels more important to me to be completely honest with my process. Not sure why that's true. But it feels that way.)

So his process is making me constantly reassess everything.. .Like how together are we? Who is he? Who is this person I'm with? One of the very basic things about being in relationship is being with a boy or being with a girl. And this very basic thing is changing. And it's hard. It's fucking hard. I so want to be that kind, understanding person who smoothly accepts every step, who is gracious and understanding and enlightened. But I just feel fragile and faulty, like a broken machine that can't be fixed. Last night I was watching Jodie Foster and thought, wow, would she stay with her partner if her female partner became a guy? Would I?

The more real this gets, well, the more real it gets. It's all so strange. It's surreal. It's like they're taking the person I know and changing her into something and someone else. Today in the waiting room I thought for the first time, maybe this won't happen. Maybe I won't just stick by him. Maybe I'm just not a big enough person. And then I wondered, when he emerges, who will he be? Who will I be? I know we're more than our gender. But in our world, our culture, it so defines who we are.

Photo by by nickwheeleroz via Flickr