It was just a little snippet at the end of a comment:
"It makes me wonder. The author, in not realizing why a womens-only space wouldn't accept a trans man (because they view him as an equal male?) and also as still ID-ing as a lesbian, seems to not take the male-ness of her spouse as seriously as the sponsors of the dance do." (bold added by me.)When A. and I first started telling folks about his transition, they always asked: does that mean you're still a lesbian? Most of the time I'd laugh it off and joke well, I'm kind of a failed lesbian: I'm so bad at it that I'm with a man. Get it? Yuck Yuck.
Then it started to be less funny. Because I started asking myself the same questions. And the answers were not readily apparent. In fact, I'm still in that process. They demand digging down to my very core with deep questions, like: what am I? Who am I? What am I attracted to? Who am I attracted to? What is love? What does it mean that this person who I thought was a woman ( albeit a very masculine one) and had a female body, now is identifying as a male and has a male body.
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| Beautiful image courtesy of Leland Francisco |
When we first entered this, I identified as bisexual. Because I have had attractions to both men and women. But when I unpacked that – looked at it little deeper – the truth is, I haven't had a relationship with a man since college. And even then, it was not so great.
Part of me wants to stop writing right now because I'm feeling vulnerable. But I also feel like it's important to say this stuff so I'm going to go for full exposure. Besides, I've written about it before.
The first time I kissed a woman (in college) changed everything. I got to experience that aha moment of pure joy and revelation. I suddenly understood the whole hullabaloo about sex. Oh…. I get it now! lightbulb moment. I'm sure many people can relate. Sometimes I shudder to think about people who've never gotten to experience that.
But does this mean I am a six on the Kinsey scale? No. But I'm probably a 4.5 to 5.
And guess what? I didn't CHOOSE my orientation any more than you did, or any more and A chose his gender. I don't want to get into a discussion about how we came to be our gender and sexual orientation. But I can tell you that I did not consciously set out one day to become attracted to women. I just was. I just am. And A. did one day set out to become a man. He just was. He just is.
So he is respecting my sexual orientation and I am respecting his gender. Telling me that I should no longer identify as who I am is just as bad as telling him he no longer should identify us who he is.
I'm not sure why this is so complicated.
Now as for us, we are dealing with our own issues with sexuality and attraction on our own terms.
Thanks for sharing, much of this resonates so strongly with me. In my case I have never identified as anything other than a straight woman but does the fact that my husband is really a woman mean I'm actually a lesbian? Maybe I've always been one deep down just the opportunity to explore it never came my way? So many questions in my head right now but strangely most of then are about my own sexuality and who I am not her gender.
ReplyDeleteThanks amyswife. Yes – what I'm finding particularly interesting about this whole journey is how much I have in common with other partners of people who are transitioning, regardless of their sexual orientation. When my partner first started transitioning, I thought in the way it would be easier for me because I was already part of a so-called marginalized community. But actually, the issues we all face are stunningly similar.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, I am just starting this process as a partner to my boyfriend (FTM) I came out as a Lesbian right before we got serious and now everyone asks if I am going back in the closet. He is amazing and loving and that's the last thing he wants. Great post thank you again.
ReplyDeleteHey I really needed to see this as a lesbian my partner is to changing from ftm and I wondered what I should identify as. And the truth is I don't need to have a title love is love. I wish u and ur partner love and longevity
ReplyDeleteThank u for this...questions I've been asking myself lately. My fiance says it shouldn't matter. It doesn't I just needed someone else that is in same boat to pretty much say what I already knew....thank you again!
ReplyDeleteI dont know when you'll see this... but this post made me tear up. I have spent so much time trying to find someone who was in the same confusing place Im in right now. I at least feel legitimate now. But I have one thing- My (ftm) boyfriend doesnt accept me as a lesbian, because I found myself when I first got serious with him. Before he ever considered transitioning. Im the one who actually guided him towards that when he shared his gender dysphoria with me, and I realized he had no idea there was even a trans community. He sees the guys Ive slept with before him, and only that. He doesn't believe me, like I said, and he is adamant in telling ME that Im bisexual. And I feel this bubble stuck between us constantly, because now Im afraid to talk to him about anything regarding my sexuality or my own personal gender queer-ness. I dont know how to approach him so he can understand that if I honestly could choose any sexuality it would be lesbian PLUS HIM. But I can't fathom being with another guy, or another transmale for that matter either. It is totally not appealing to me, yet Im in love with him as the PERSON he is. his gender has nothing to do with this. Yet he says if I can want the "heterosexual" things we do together or fantasize about... then I have to have something "heterosexual" in me. Were both 19 so this also has a part in it, I know. But I just... I dont have a clue how to help him learn to accept my complicated "queer-ness" for lack of better terms.
ReplyDeleteOh my god, I felt so totally alone in this. Thank you for giving me the feeling that I am not the only lesbian who is deeply in love with her trans boyfriend. I feel so relieved now!
ReplyDeleteHey thanks so much for this, and everyone else who is posting comments. I always identified as a lesbian, my partner is now 2 years on T and I still love him heaps. Sometimes I do wonder, don't I want to be with a woman...? But I feel our relationship is very strong and stable, we make a super pair. But yes that curiosity towards other women is there. I never had another long term relationship before my current partner so sometimes it pops up. Anyone else with doubts like that? Or is everyone 100% satisfied with their relationship with their transman, even though you identified as a lesbian...?
ReplyDeleteI have to say - this is the first time I've visited your blog but I wanted to comment and share my experiences. My partner transitioned about 2.5 years ago. I also identified as a lesbian, and was quite content (even reveled) in my identity. His transition, while right for him, left me in a very strange space for a while as I questioned how it affected me, and my identity... It was a rough period. But somewhere along the way, I realized something. The label "lesbian" is for other people. I don't need a name, and never have, to understand what I am attracted to. It's for other people to understand. So once I removed that label, I had alot less trouble figuring out where I was supposed to fit in the spectrum of sexual orientation. At the end of the day, I love my partner so if it makes other ppl feel uncomfortable that he's a guy and I identify as a not-straight person, that's their problem. We can't say love is love, on all spectrums if we don't really mean it. I didn't expect this, but I'm beyond happy that we are where we're at. He is his best self - true self - happiest self, and that makes my heart incredibly happy as well. I can tell you that it does get better. It gets easier, and you get to know yourself better as well. Growing pains will occur. But that's natural for all phases of life, not just in love.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck to you both and thanks for sharing your feelings!
Reading your blog has given me some comfort this morning. I don't feel so alone and I needed that. Thank you. Its 4:38am and I cannot rest. I am a lesbian who has fallen in love with a woman who is now transitioning to a man. I want this for him but I am wondering what does this make me? Who am I? It's alot to process...
ReplyDeleteHi! I am just starting to go through this and I am wondering this too. I am a lesbian and my partner up until recently identified as one as well. Now she identifies as nonbinary or genderflux, which is not quite the same. I am just wondering how you learned to accept the change. I am struggling. Thank you.
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