How can you be a lesbian and be with a man?!

Of all the comments made here and at John Aravosis' post (I read all on my blog because I actually have to pre-approve them before they're posted but I did not read all AMERICAblog because they were giving me intestinal distress) one keeps coming back to me: 

It was just a little snippet at the end of a comment: 

"It makes me wonder. The author, in not realizing why a womens-only space wouldn't accept a trans man (because they view him as an equal male?) and also as still ID-ing as a lesbian, seems to not take the male-ness of her spouse as seriously as the sponsors of the dance do."  (bold added by me.)
 When A. and I first started telling folks about his transition, they always asked: does that mean you're still a lesbian? Most of the time I'd laugh it off and joke well, I'm kind of a failed lesbian: I'm so bad at it that I'm with a man. Get it? Yuck Yuck. 

Then it started to be less funny. Because I started asking myself the same questions. And the answers were not readily apparent. In fact, I'm still in that process. They demand digging down to my very core with deep questions, like: what am I? Who am I? What am I attracted to? Who am I attracted to? What is love? What does it mean that this person who I thought was a woman ( albeit a very masculine one) and had a female body, now is identifying as a male and has a male body. 

Beautiful image courtesy of Leland Francisco

When we first entered this, I identified as bisexual. Because I have had attractions to both men and women. But when I unpacked that – looked at it little deeper – the truth is, I haven't had a relationship with a man since college. And even then, it was not so great.

Part of me wants to stop writing right now because I'm feeling vulnerable. But I also feel like it's important to say this stuff so I'm going to go for full exposure.  Besides, I've written about it before. 

The first time I kissed a woman (in college) changed everything.  I got to experience that aha moment of pure joy and revelation. I suddenly understood the whole hullabaloo about sex. Oh…. I get it now!  lightbulb moment. I'm sure many people can relate.  Sometimes I shudder to think about  people who've never gotten to experience that.

 But does this mean I am a six on the Kinsey scale? No. But I'm probably a 4.5 to 5. 

And guess what? I didn't CHOOSE my orientation any more than you did, or any more and A chose his gender. I don't want to get into a discussion about how we came to be our gender and sexual orientation. But I can tell you that I did not consciously set out one day to become attracted to women. I just was. I just am. And A. did one day set out to become a man. He just was. He just is.

So he is respecting my sexual orientation and I am respecting his gender. Telling me that I should no longer identify as who I am is just as bad as telling him he no longer should identify us who he is.

I'm not sure why this is so complicated.

Now as for us,  we are dealing with our own issues with sexuality and attraction on our own terms.

Who's your daddy?

We've both been having a hard time with the pronoun issue. Sometimes, It's a matter of remembering. And sometimes it's a matter of decorum. Last night we were at a small party. Only a few people knew what was going on. Since R has only taken two doses of testosterone, he still appears female. Mind you – he's never been a particularly feminine woman. Or at least he isn't now. As a lesbian, he was definitely butch. But especially in a lesbian crowd, he appears female. It's pretty awkward of me to start referring to him as a she however, if people don't know. So he's kind of forced to come out, which can be awkward (again). And if he does come out, that's definitely going to be the topic of conversation.  I called him a "she" last night and felt bad about it. But I didn't know what else to do. On the way home, I mentioned this and said it was difficult and I felt bad about it. (It's also kind of confusing to switch back-and-forth between genders.) He said why don't you just not refer to me as anything? Just use my name. I got pretty upset (unfairly) because I felt like he was being dismissive and was angry at me for having referred to him as a she. (I have problems with anger).  Later he said he understood where I was coming from. Anyhow, I wish he could simply just come out and be done with it. I wish *we* could come out and be done with it. It's not like being gay where you don't really have to tell some of the first time you meet them. Unless of course it's a date. And when you do tell someone you're gay, it rarely leads to a litany of questions like, when did you know you we're gay? (When I first came out it did, but we're at such a different place in society and we live in the gay mecca of the world.) But the trans thing? That would be a big deal.  Oh and the title of this post? I was laughing this morning because R was was cuddling the dogs And saying, "mommy loves you." Even he has trouble with pronouns.

Photo by Elvert Barnes